| Too many fingers can have an effect on your typing and your appetite, as a young temp discovered in Perth. In 1985 I got a temping job as a secretary at police headquarters in Perth. About 12 of us were sent to the Criminal Investigation Bureau (CIB) to process the state’s criminal records onto the computer system. Getting in and out of the building was like the opening sequence of Get Smart. The bureau had its own lock-down section within the HQ and it was difficult to use the kitchen and toilets because the doors locked behind you and we didn’t all have the right passes, so we’d have to get an officer to accompany us. Everyone was completely straight-laced and several of the temps were fired and no reason had to be given, due to the nature of the work. Usually, it was because they’d made a joke about friends who’d smoked dope. It was an exciting section – one day they brought bomb debris into the office for examination and another time I got to hold a hatchet that had been used in a murder. There was one phone in our area and it was permanently guarded by a uniformed police officer. We had to ask permission to make a call and then every word was monitored to make sure we didn’t pass on any records information. The detectives had a black sense of humour and were very sociable. They held events at each other’s houses and once I went for a ride with the police sirens blaring. The detectives also had a billiards room. All the cues were lined up on the wall and padlocked as they’d had problems with someone stealing them. Hardly anyone in the bureau used to go to the canteen, as it was too difficult to get out of the lock-down section and the only exit to the canteen was lined with stomach-churning murder photographs. After a couple of weeks in the lock-down area, I was whingeing about there being no chocolate or soft drinks and the detectives told me they had half-price Kit Kats in their fridge, which was padlocked. I handed over the money, they unlocked the fridge and said “OK, get one.” I reached in and there were severed fingers in plastic bags next to the Kit Kats. “What are those fingers doing in the fridge?” I asked, and they said it was something to do with checking fingerprints: “We only keep them for three days.” That was it – they were men of few words. I went back out to the records area and didn’t say anything, but I never ate that Kit Kat and never again did I buy one from them. |
Author: cottonward
Kinsey movie review
You’ll be shouting “I’m normal! I’m normal!” after seeing Kinsey, because every sexual practice seems to be OK. The film is based on the life of Alfred Kinsey (Liam Neeson), the American researcher famous for his studies on sex and his 1948 bestseller, Sexual Behavior in the Human Male. When his wife (Laura Linney) has sexual problems, they find it difficult to get good help, so he starts teaching a course on marriage and sexuality.
Kinsey and his staff later conduct 18,000 interviews on sexual behaviour. What’s amazing about this film is that it shows how backward sexual understanding was at the time, and how a lot of basic information written about in Cleo magazine such as female orgasms were first researched and taught to the masses by Kinsey.
Cotton Ward (published in Metro section)
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Church of Scientology personality test
| TRIED AND TESTED What is it? The form says: “Fill out this FREE Personality Test. Know the factors that affect your life. Bring it in today and receive your results. There is no obligation. This is done with the idea that people can know and improve themselves.” The lowdown I go back to the head office the next day and am assigned to Miss K. I explain that I don’t want to fill out my contact details and she says that’s fine. An assistant puts my answers through the computer and five minutes later Miss K shows me the scores and how they reflect my personality, relationships and career. The results are in the “normal” and “desirable state” sections (none in the “unacceptable state” category) and this seems accurate. Tell me more Would I do it again? |
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Base urges- restaurant reviews
| Cotton Ward |
| Base Urges
MANCINI’S WOODFIRED PIZZERIA RESTAURANT The occasion was a Sex and the City video marathon held at my place, wherein a group of single straight women and a gay friend sat around to watch several fave episodes of this cast of straight women acting like drag queens. The gay bloke cried at all the wrong bits and we girls chatted non-stop through the whole thing. The buffet was laid out with themed food: only foodstuffs featured in ads in NW magazine (which runs lots of stories about the show) or ads shown during Sex and the City. Consequently, the tables were loaded with blocks of Dove chocolate, Mini Magnums, Vanilla Rush (a new chocolate drink), low-fat chocolate-chip cookies and non-fat yoghurt. And Cosmopolitans, of course, served in chilled crystal glasses garnished with lime slices. The only thing missing was the main course, which was fixed with a quick call to Mancini’s, just around the corner. We avoided the gourmet pizzas (avocado!) and went for small serves of the traditional margherita ($9.50), vegetarian ($10.50) and pescatore ($12.50). Someone wanted a spaghetti marinara ($12.50) and there was garlic bread ($3) all round. The mozarella cheese on the pizzas was deep and creamy, the kalamata olives were exceptional and there were mussels in their shells in the marinara. Overall, the pizza bases and garlic bread tended to be soft in the middle with a light outer crispness and our fingers were lightly coated with ash from the woodfired oven. The young delivery man was assessed as being capable of having a good relationship, though we agreed that his inability to provide a receipt could have signified a fear of commitment. Order time We were told our order would take How it travels Well, but the pizzas might need a quick zap under the griller. Leftover potential Pizza and spaghetti are OK reheated, but throw out any leftover garlic bread. Bottom line About $20 for two. Video match Sex and the City, particularly the “Cock a Doodle Do!” episode which features the return of Mr Big (who looks deliciously Italian). DUMPO’S 109 Crystal Street, Petersham, 9518 3588 I’d wanted to order Greek takeaway to fit in with a philosophy night at home where the topic was to be “Jennifer Aniston – how can she be so miserable despite being beautiful, rich and married to Brad Pitt?” The plan was to discuss this while watching the new series of Friends. However, despite living in Lewisham for 18 months and meticulously keeping the takeaway leaflets stuffed in my letterbox, I had none from Greek restaurants. I was further astonished that, despite a tonne of such leaflets received daily, once I’d thrown out repeats, only 21 restaurants had advertised during this time. The breakdown was: Italian 9, Thai 5, Chinese 4 and modern Australian/British 3. Ignoring several guests’ apprehension about the name, I ordered from Dumpo’s, which offers Chinese/Malaysian/Singaporean dishes. The place doesn’t look as trashy as it sounds – it features large prints of paintings by Toulouse-Lautrec, Renoir and Monet on one wall and big mirrors on the other. The fish fillet with chilli and spicy salt was a chunky, battered piece, quite hot and salty, Order time 35 minutes, home-delivered. How it travels Well – no reheating needed. Leftover potential Bottom line About $10 a person. Video match Addison Chinese Take Away Food This takeaway establishment promises “reasonably priced dishes” with the “object of catering for families and working people”. It’s cheap, popular and the servings are huge. I often order the Mongolian beef and rice. It arrives in a rectangular takeaway container and is enough to feed a small eater like me for two nights. At $3.90, it works out at $1.95 a serve and disproves Mum’s maxim that cooking at home is cheaper. We managed to spend less than $30 on sweet corn and crabmeat soup ($2.10), shredded chicken and egg flower soup ($2.10), garlic seafood combination (the most expensive on the menu at $10.70 for prawns, squid, scallops and onion), king prawns with cashew nuts ($8.20 for prawns, carrot, celery and peas), Mongolian beef and rice ($3.90) and two small serves of boiled rice ($1.10 each). Order time How it travels Leftover potential The bottomline Video match |
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Running scared
| An old hearse is the ideal vehicle for taking a ghostly ride around the city.
My friend Squeamish and I are in the back seat of Elvira, a black 1967 Cadillac hearse, beside a sign warning “No food, No drink, No sex”, and we’re about to embark on a Weird Ghost and History Tour of Sydney. The tour promises to feature crime locations and sites of “suicide, sex, suffering and scandal” and it departs, appropriately enough, from a Kings Cross car park. We’re accompanied by two other tourists, Copper and Ms Manchester. “Is this your first time in a hearse?” asks our guide, the softly spoken hearse whisperer Allan Levinson. “It won’t be your last.” He provides a plastic folder with information and photos to flick through during the tour. When he mentions that Elvira had been used as a funeral hearse for 30 years in California, and carried thousands of people to their final resting place, Squeamish screams. Later she feels queasy when there’s a brief reference to scabs forming after floggings. During the next two hours we experience what it’s like to turn heads as Elvira attracts admiration during our drive through Double Bay, Point Piper, Darlinghurst, Paddington, The Rocks, the CBD and Woolloomooloo. “Draw the curtains if you don’t want to be the centre of attention,” Levinson suggests, but we enjoy feeling like superstars and wave regally to passersby. Elvira provides most of the spicy prerecorded commentary, while Levinson adds humorous asides. The tour starts with scandal, such as the politician who died in a hotel room wearing a “loaded” condom, and moves on to the famous. We drive by the church where Elton John got married, and the hotel where Bill Clinton, Princess Di, Neil Diamond, Madonna and George Bush stayed. Then we get to the ghouls. We’re treated to stories of Sydney spirits including the one with a bowler hat who wears boots, the nun who wears a grey habit but has no feet, the derelict who plays the drums during quiet moments at the Opera House, the bloke who slams shut heavy steel doors, and the floating head that drifts through a toilet block. There are also the unexplained events at various buildings the lights that switch on and off, items that are mysteriously moved, the banging shutters, a light in a hospital ward that rocks to and fro when a patient’s death is imminent, and the ghost of a drag queen in a women’s toilet where the cubicle door swings back and forth. What impresses us most are the sights we pass every day and have never noted before, such as the beautiful gothic Mortuary Station near Central Station. And the fact that the latter was once occupied by 30,000 headstones. Later we stop at the Harbour Bridge for soft drinks, biscuits and peanuts, which are stashed in a small coffin. We resume the trip by cruising past a top-class brothel, a former sexually transmitted diseases clinic, the hotel where the Beatles stayed, and the heroin shooting gallery. Back at the car park, Levinson gives us five pages of extra history notes to take home and a free video of Elvira’s first movie role in a short film made at the Australian Film, Television and Radio School. Squeamish, it turns out, enjoyed the experience. So much so she spent the rest of the week scaring herself witless by reading an excellent ghost book Levinson had recommended, The Ghost Guide to Australia by Richard Davis. Tours operate every day: 11/2 hours $49, two hours $65. Phone 9555 2700 or visit www.destinytours.com.au |
Cotton Ward 