Eurovision Australia!

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What an exciting Eurovision!, with Dami winning the jury vote! And second overall. Loved the Swedish hosts’ comedy segments. L made lovely vanilla cupcakes with Swedish flags stuck in them, and Scandinavian Dreamcake (coconut topping, delish!) Everyone had made special trips to IKEA for all the Swedish food and drinks, so we had EVERYTHING!

Watching all the past Swedish hits made us wonder if anyone in Sweden has a normal 9-5.30 job? They all seem so busy making smash hits.

Played my customised Eurovision Bingo — we were a bit disappointed by the lack of backing dancers this years (replaced by special fx) as that eliminated some of the bingo spotting challenges (eg. “singer lifted by a backing dancer”). L won the bingo tiara, as she spotted most things first.

G brought Greek bikkies, but we couldn’t eat them when Greece came on, as they’d already been knocked out in the semis! TC filled in any gaps in our Eurovision knowledge.

We are still waiting for superfan S, who was in Stockholm watching the semis, to send us photos of her Eurovision pilgrimage!

Since we’ve been watching Eurovision since the 1990s, when it was first shown on SBS with Terry Wogan’s excellent commentary, we raised a glass and toasted Wogan’s demise at song no.9, which is significant, as UK host Graham Norton said this was when Wogan advised Norton that it was OK to have the first alcoholic drink. (“no drinking before song 9!”, otherwise the commentator gets sozzled too quickly.)

 

 

 

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The Voice Australia 2016 recap The Blinds Episode 1

 

ALFIE THE ARCHITECT

First up is Alfie, with smoothy velvet emotionalism. The judges love it. Floods of tears, as his sister had the same thing as Delta and they had her photo stuck on the fridge as an inspiration! His family’s all crying when they hear him pick Delta! Am weeping into my hot chocolate, this is what Sunday nite TV is all about!

Jessie and Delta announce they won’t be tediously fighting this year. Yay!

Jessie says she’s dressed as the red chair and does anyone want to sit on her lap and swing around?

SURFIE GUY BLAKE

His nerves are getting the better of him and he’s a bit flat. Team Madden pick him and find out he’s a plumber and the Maddens say they hope he shows his butt crack. He says he does.

CLAIRE FROM HONEY BOUTIQUE

Claire’s Mum is a professional Medium and predicts Jessie J will come thru. Claire loves being a retail asst but it’s been her dream forever to be a star. BUST! Judges want authentic voice.

SINGLE DAD FROM MELBOURNE

Jack has lots of tatts so he says some peeps think he’s intimidating, but he’s quiet and sweet and lives with Mum and daughter Ivy. Thinks this is the best thing he could do for his family and himself. Ivy’s fave singer is her Dad! He’s great! Goes with Jessie J.

Ronan’s pitch included a chat about busking for the homeless in Ireland last Xmas with other Irish superstars. Yay! Good deeder.

MADISON THE TIMBER FINISHER AT DAD’S BUSINESS

“I’m over the dust and fumes at the factory. Tonight’s going to be the night!” All the judges want her! A Madden gives her a hug and says join us, we’re huggers! She does!

 ACE WHO LOVES RONAN

Sings a Ronan song to make sure Ronan knows who he wants. It’s like bad karaoke but when the nerves are gone and Ronan sings it with him, Ace sounds a lot better than Ronan.

I need a palate-cleansing break, so play Prince song Manic Monday. The bridge! “All of the nights …”

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LEXI CLARK

Was fat and unhappy, then lost weight. Mum preferred her fatter as now she won’t eat her lasagna and ravioli. Lost her voice when tonsils came out at 16 and complications, terrible time, so she’s worried about hitting high notes. Nana Mouskouri-look, she’s GREAT!! Team Madden!

SUMMARY: Maddens have 3 artists, Delta 1, Jessie J 1 and Ronan said he’ll go to his trailer to have a cry, as he got none! I thought all the singers were great, just nerves got in the way.

THE BIG PRIZE: Mazda 3, $100,000 and contract with Universal.

http://www.9jumpin.com.au/show/the-voice/

Vanderpump Rules all episodes recap

A group of 20-something tommodels, who look great in bikinis and speedos, work at Real Housewife of Beverly Hills’ Lisa Vanderpump’s SUR (acronym for Sexy Unique Restaurant) while doing acting/music auditions on the side.

The storylines are: 20-yr olds drink and sleep with the wrong people. They break up, make-up. Repeat for several seasons.

Vanderpump appears as a motherly figure giving advice, and seems like a very generous boss, considering how the antics usually impact on their work.

I love it. Pretty typical coming-of-age shenanigans, brings back memories.

What’s best is they all seem to care about each other, despite the many almost unforgivable transgressions.

There’s a great Reunion show (Season One, Uncensored) where the production team explain how it was traumatic for them to be filming all the ups and downs and it was more explosive than they’d anticipated.

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Married At First Sight finale recap

Channel 9, 27 April 2016.

Jono and Clare: called it quits. Jono felt he was like one of Clare’s rescue dogs. Clare gets a dog that wears nappies and says she hopes to change a baby’s nappies someday too.

Simone (make-up artist) and Xavier (would rather watch TV sports)

After initially having the hots for each other on their wedding day and honeymoon, when they moved in together, it all went to dullsville.

Simone realises romance is important, but Xavier decides a soccer game — Wanderers v Mariners — is a great date. She enjoys it, but not her idea of a date.

Xavier’s last night plan is boring pizza and wine and she’s unimpressed.

Xavier doesn’t even make her brekkie on her last morning! “I’ve got a sales meeting,” he says, looking at the clock and racing off, blaming himself for the lack of intimacy, due to him being a cold fish.

48-HR BREAK: Simone says she needs a hug every day when she walks in the door, is that too much to ask?

Xavier says he needs Simone back so she can give him fashion advice on whether to wear a gold watch with a gold ring.

HELL YEAH! OR BUST? Simone: not enough affection, never felt special, never a priority. BUST!

Xavier: He seems shocked and reaches for her hand in a move of desperation as though he’ll never find anyone again, and she recoils. He doesn’t seem to find it easy to be affectionate with anyone, and he says he’ll try to change and be more loving in the future. Tweets say he’s in love with his hair.

Erin (anxious chick who can’t cook/use a washing machine/had never moved out of home) and Bryce (quiet guy)

They hit it off at the wedding and had been going strong since.

On the final night, Erin wants to thrill Bryce with her domestic goddess culinary skills via a carbonara dish and vanilla cake. But she forgot to buy milk and there’s no way they can buy any, even though they seem to be in the city. So they go to a restaurant. The “children” topic has upset them, as Erin wants to wait a while and travel beforehand; Bryce wants kids now, it could be a deal-breaker.

The show’s psychologists says Erin’s anxiety might surface during the separate reflective period and it’ll all be over.

MAKE OR BREAK?

Erin develops a savage-looking red rash during the final interview. The experts notice and say she’s clearly totally stressed out. She says Bryce is Mr Perfect and calms her down.

Bryce says he’s weighed up the pros and cons – they’re at different phases.

Erin says Bryce has made her a better person, so YES!

Bryce: I want kids, but will wait til u’re ready, u fill a gap in my life. YES!

2 MONTHS LATER They’re still in 7th heaven. Heading on the “love train” to the love station.

Christie (cleaning business/city) and Mark (farmer)

They didn’t hit it off over the honeymoon, but Mark worked hard to win her over.

Final day: He rolls back a hay bale and he’s got a great picnic prepared out of nowhere! He’s always really liked her and is in tears, saying he hopes she learns to love the country. He doesn’t want to leave the farm.

Christie says he’s a nice, decent guy but the 7-hr commute is a killer. Considering when she first met him, she didn’t fancy him and would’ve swiped left on Tinder, am wondering what she really thinks.

MAKE OR BREAK?

Christie says the distance and different lifestyle and being away from her family and friends will drive her nuts. No slumber parties with her future kids and the nephews/nieces. But YES!

Mark feels giving up the country would be giving up more than Christie would be giving up. He feels he won’t feel happy outside the relationship if he lived in the city. But then he seems to switcheroo and says yes!

2 MONTHS LATER Still together.

 

RHOBH recap, Season 3, Episode 3

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Don’t Sing for your Supper

ISSUES: Hate how we’re teased throughout that LVP and Adrienne will meet up to discuss Adrienne re-telling a false fact that LVP sold gossip stories. Right to the end of the ep. Yet it’s held over to the next ep and not shown! FALSE ADVERTISING!

SCENE: Kim’s daughter’s prom

Kim seems to be making the saddest chicken salad ever, constantly crying with happiness as she soaks up her daughter’s prom day (the third and last of her kids’ proms). Kim didn’t have a prom, as she was a child star hanging out with teen throbs, like Leif Garrett, at Child Star School, where she says her prom was as exciting as saying “Pass the salt.” Noone touches the salad or sodas. She cries as she peeks out the window as her daughter leaves.

SCENE: Yolanda’s party

Yolanda and her butler meet up to discuss a dinner party where she invites the likes of Barbra Streisand, Baby Face etc. This time, the RHOBH are the guests. The house, 12,000 sq ft, designed by Y, is amazing, by the ocean. Menu: coconut shrimp, tempura avocado rolls, goat’s cheese in puff pastry, filet mignon, chicken in mustard sauce with portobello mushrooms. Y says she hopes the housewives’ hearts are “filled with love” (which all the housewives claim), but we’re guessing it’s going to go horribly wrong, as all RHOBH dinner parties do.

SCENE: (skipped a few boring scenes) Adrienne and Dr Paul: why they hate LVP

Dr Paul and Adrienne are hating on LVP’s comments about Adrienne’s shoe line (calling it Malouf’s Hoof) and dog (Crackpot/Jackpot). They want apology! But compared to what Adrienne said about LVP, hell’ll freeze over first.

SCENE: Yolanda’s dinner party

Y says she has extreme OCD — her home and fridge are all perfect with fruit and veg colour-co-ordinated! Nobody wants to touch anything. The food has prof chefs and looks like it’s from a restaurant. No macaroni and cheese here! No, it’s Prawn tempura with roasted quails egg and scallops.Salad: watermelon with buffalo mozzarella, mango coulis and balsamic glaze and shaved parmesan on top.

A world-famuz trumpeter says he can’t get botox around his lip area or he can’t do his magic.

Y’s husband grammy-winner David says he hates frou frou and that not enough women know how to be homemakers today (probs cos they’re out working to pay mortgages).

He plays his fave song he’s ever written, Look What You’ve Done to Me, from Urban Cowboy.

Tay gets tipsy and Y hates how she’s messing up her perfect party by dredging up tacky stuff about Brandi being a slut again, and cries when David plays sad (probs non-copyrighted) old tunes: Amazing Grace and Danny Boy, with amazing singers. Tay is obvs still recovering after her violent hubby did himself in last season, leaving her and her young daughter alone and in a precarious $$$ situation – she should have had time off from RHOBH but maybe needed the income.

Bravo should do a breath/drug test before letting anyone on set, as it’d be better to see honest, non-booze addled interactions.

Best quote: David: “I hate frou frou, I hate frou frou, I hate frou frou.” Whatever that is.

Worst bit: No showdown btw Adrienne and LVP.

RHOBH recap season 3, episode 2

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: The Higher the Heel, the Closer to God

MAIN ISSUE:

*Adrienne keeps slagging off LVP for not instantly forgiving Adrienne for saying Vanderpump sold stories for $US20,000 to Radar Online (or something like that). Seems Adrienne and Camille were misled by someone at Radar who told them this. Radar has apologised for any misunderstanding. Everyone’s on Vanderpump’s side, as LVP can’t afford to be selling stories in her line of biz (hospitality). Everyone’s lucky LVP hasn’t sued. So they should pull their heads in.

SCENE: Kyle and Adrienne go kids’ clothes shopping

A teensy girl’s dress for a whopping $US311!

Kyle raises the LVP question as she wants no dramas at her kid’s birthday party. Adrienne can’t wait to get some passive aggressive digs in at LVP, so slags her off as petty,  “immature” etc.

Kyle, who is loyal to whoever she is hanging out with that minute, totally agrees with Adrienne, then says in a narrative cutaway the opposite, that she thinks Adrienne owes LVP an apology.

SCENE: At Tay’s “ungated” place for Mexican food

Dr Paul Nassif criticises his wife, Adrienne, for never pigging out. Which seems bizarre behaviour, from a doctor. Why publicly humiliate and pressure anyone into eating more?

Then he comments on Taylor’s weight and says he’s glad she’s added 10 pounds. Surely he could comment on other topics at a dinner party?

Tay asks Dr Paul and hunky Mauricio to walk a mile in high heels to raise $$$ for domestic violence survivors.

SCENE 3 Adrienne and Dr Paul go high heel shopping

They cheat and buy platform moon boots.

SCENE 4 Yolanda bigs up her supermodel daughter Gigi

Ex-supermodel Yolanda turns up to her daughter Gigi’s photo shoot for Guess. Gigi says she’s going to pig out at a party, and Y tells her that’s OK but get back on a diet the next day, especially since they like the models skinny in Milan. Y says she hates Stage Moms, but then tells the makeup artist to do rounder eye makeup so Gigi doesn’t look Chinese (!) and makes suggestions to the wardrobe guys on what will flatter her daughter most. Y tells Gigi to make enough $$$ to buy a flat, despite Gigi’s Dad being gazillionaire Mohamed, who has the biggest house in BHills.

SCENE 5 High heel race

Mauricio accuses Paul of cheating by wearing platform boots, not heels. Mauricio’s toes feel crunched. High heel-wearing women around the planet laugh at their discomfort.

Paul and Adrienne slag off LVP to everyone and we have no idea why Paul and Adrienne expect an apology from LVP.

SCENE 6 Portia’s birthday party

Kyle promised Portia, 3, a flying white unicorn, but instead the Event Planner (clearly not Kevin Lee, as he would have managed it, “It has to be Over the top, Fabulous!”) it’s a brown pony wearing a pointy party hat. LVP turns up for a minute before heading off to a wine tasting at Villa Blanca, thus avoiding Adrienne and Paul.

Kyle is so disappointed there won’t be a showdown btw LVP and Adrienne, so she says she’ll hold a dinner mid-week for it. LVP says she’s not interested in a big-scale dinner drama and wants Kyle to butt out.Am totally sick of Kyle trying to mimic LVP’s accent – boring after 2 seasons of it! Get a new joke writer, grl!

Brandi’s having an anxiety attack cos none of her “go to” friends are there. She leaves soon-ish.

Kyle says it’s a shame the adults are acting more childishy than the kids, which is bizarre, as Kyle loves stirring up trouble. Maybe’s she’s changing this season into Peacemaker Kyle.

Taylor says hi to everyone except Brandi, who criticised Tay for getting confused about “public” and “private” issues. Tay fails to grasp that stuff she says on telly is in the “public” arena.

“I’m One Of A Kind” KIM ARRIVES! She sensibly refuses to answer quez about her “gay bull mastiff” ex, who she seems to have split with. Love Kim and her journey to Recovery.

Tay seems under the weather and spreads a nasty quote, out of context, that Brandi claimed she’s slept with every guy in BHills. It was a joke, Tay, and if it wasn’t, it’s none of your business, doing slut-shaming!

Adrienne slags off LVP, saying she’s very “high school” and someone “so busy”should have “moved on”.

BIGGEST MANIPULATOR: Adrienne

ANXIETY ATTACK: Brandi leaving after a few secs at Kyle’s kid’s party.

Unauthorised diary of a day of an unemployed jobseeker

Wakeup time 

“Rising up, back on the street!” I spring out of bed to Eye of the Tiger (1982), as recommended by my Centrelink “Get Job Ready” counsellor: POSITIVITY! ATTRACT A JOB! I punch the air and do some super-fast running on the spot, à la Maniac from Flashdance (1984). I’M HOT FLASH, NOT HOT FLUSH!

Sofa, so good

Fire up the lappy and click on Seek, which claims to have 30 Content Writer jobs daily, most that have nothing to do with writing: create coupons for Grope-on; Quality Analyst Tester at Lush cosmetics; injury management consultant, payroll tax adviser, personal assistant for a legal firm, HR manager, a web designer who’s bilingual in Japanese and Korean.

Listen and learn

Switch on the soothing tones of RPH, the Radio Reading Network, announcing a Daily Telegraph story about dole bludgers living it up on Bondi Beach. The dole is $260 a week, with $300 in bills, $80 in food and a lot more that never gets paid. Catching a bus out there and back is $4 a day on Opal concession. Can’t afford to go to Bondi, let alone get caught in a rip and rescued by Hugh Jackman.

Daily commute

Walk to the letter box. Arrears notice. My thoughts swirl re: debts: “Stop living in the future – just NOW! One day at a time!I can cope with NOW! I’ve got this!”

Nailed it

My nails look great as, thanks to public dentistry, my teeth don’t meet properly, so no chewing. I’m on their 2-year waiting list. And don’t worry, “we’ll fix everything that needs to be done in one go”. Can’t afford any health insurance.

Lunch

My single friends think the Dole is a safety net. They ask how much “discretionary” money I have (none) and how much I get when I work two days a week for Work for the Dole scheme (none). They’re having a pot luck and want me to bring a meat dish for four, but I can’t afford meat, I take a salad.

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Daytime TV

Feel simpatico with Real Housewives, who are unemployed and wracked with uncertainty that their housewifey role will be outsourced to a hot, younger competitor.

Funeral insurance and life insurance ads should be banned, too many!

 

Visit to JobServices

Catch the 423 bus to the eighth circle of Hell in Marrickville, otherwise known as JobServices, for a weekly compulsory Centrelink-mandated visit. Caseworkers make us feel ashamed and unworthy and ask pointed questions about why we’re so crap, why can’t we find a job and why don’t we have someone to financially support us? Because we’re unloveable, unemployable and a burden to society.

JobServices implement Centrelink rules, which are frequently changed, and we have to comply with the new unknowable, discretionary edicts or else they cut off the dole for 8 weeks. JobServices can discretionarily assist with job hunting costs, if they love you. Just beg and hope they don’t cut you off.

They suggest that since we might never get jobs, we should consider migrating to the country and living more cheaply there. They tell me about a long-term jobseeker who sold her home in Sydney and bought a three-bedroom house in rural Queensland and was able to get $260 in rent: the same as the dole, so she no longer claimed. Can they force me to move to country Queensland? Sounds like they want to put me out to pasture and die. They crunch the figures, taking into account selling off all my assets, which I hadn’t even agreed to, and none of the figures add up in a way to allow me to be off the dole, so they put that idea aside. Phew.

We’re told our life experience counts while being shown how to wipe 15 years off our CVs. Am not sure what’s going to happen when I show up in real life. Filling out the ATO declaration and Working With Children Checks all require handing an exact birthdate to employers. Change my LinkedIn profile pic to a Powerpuff Girls avatar and hope that gets me by. puff

To improve our employability, we’re offered Work for the Dole jobs, where we work for two days a week for no extra $$$. The skill-enhancing tasks include cleaning train platforms alone overnight, joining an assembly line at a mattress factory or building breeze-block loos. I volunteer to do retail at Vinnies but they say no, that’s for “needier” people.

We’re also warned to keep on top of our paperwork, as Centrelink auditors mostly prosecute those who are vulnerable: those recently diagnosed with a serious illness or have suddenly fallen on hard times. Why? Because the government wants to send a message that nobody “gets away with it”. The overpaid sums are small, $10 a week. The mythical bludgers who are ripping big sums off taxpayers are a minority.

On this cheery note, I head home in time for a …

Job interview

Since many jobs can be outsourced overseas for $5 an hour, the local ads feature sky-high expectations: “Must be able to work with 100 per cent accuracy”, “We want someone talented beyond our imaginations”, “We only want a ‘Best-in-the-World’ employee”.

All pre-job interviews are done by phone and the HR person gets confused about my CV as, since I’ve knocked 15 years off, it bizarrely begins with senior positions. When they guess I’m older, they change their questions to: “Do you know what social media is? Name some sites. Are you capable of learning new things?”

End bit of the day

Kicking back to tumblr_ariana.gif watch Vanderpump Rules, I feel my day can be summed up by youngster Ariana’s quote: “I’m smarter than you, I’m cooler than you, I’m prettier than you, get the f*ck over it and move on with your life.”

Not sure where to move, maybe rural Queensland?

(NB: this is a comedy article. Please inquire re: my current employment/availability.)